8 years old. Happy Birthday Boys.

10/07/14: 
This day 8 years ago was the hardest day of my life. My baby boy was born at 20.5 weeks after 22 hours in labor. I got to fly in a helicopter and see the beautiful sun rise that day. It was beautiful. Until the next painful and equally terrifying contraction came. I labored for 20 hours without medication. The doctors just told me to let it happen. But I couldn't. I didn't want it to happen. I wanted him to stay safe inside... At the end of that horrible labor out came a tiny little reflection of my husband. A precious boy who turned his head with the last of his strength just to turn toward the voice of his daddy. He held my finger and listened to my heart beat as he drifted off to his eternal sleep. But even in that horrible sorrow I was FULL of joy and pride for my first born son. Those of you in the hospital with us remember how I wanted to show him off. My eyes were alive, there weren't tears (for a short period of time) there was just a LOVE I had never felt. Like one that took your breath away and made you breathe all at the same time. He made me a mommy. And while it doesn't hurt everyday. It hurts today. I'm glad I got to love him. Hold him. See him for the blond perfection that he was. Bruised and battered couldn't keep his beauty from me. I love you my precious Jonathan Lawrence. Happy Birthday

10/08/14: 
Today 8 years ago you came into my life. Unlike the day before, your birth was a beautiful, peaceful calming experience. Even though I knew you would die I was excited to meet my other baby boy. You didn't like being in the womb after Jonathan left you. You moved around like you were frantically looking for him. Your labor was fast. I knew you were coming so I called my mom and dad to come back to the hospital. Then the sunrise came, beautiful and colorful and shortly after you did too, feet first into the world. I was filled with peace. I loved you so much in that moment. Daddy cut your cord and me and grandma Keillor gave you a sponge bath. How can something so tiny, without the use of his lungs live for over and hour. I don't know, but you did. Your resemblance of mommy just about stopped my heart. Your brown hair and long face kept me staring. I listen to your heart slowly beating in step with mine. It is an hour of my life I will never forget. It was when peace and tragedy actually felt tolerable and you were mine. You'll be mine forever. Today may your golden birthday be as golden as the sunrise the morning of your birth. I love you Edwin. Shine strong little one.

Blog Post for Mental Health for Parents

I had a good upbringing. I lived in a positive, encouraging and supportive home with two parents who loved me and I felt secure. I was secure in who I was as a girl. I didn't always 'feel' pretty but I knew that my heart was good and that someday I would meet someone who would love me for me and make me feel beautiful by the way he treated me. But for the awkward days of the early teens I had acne, I was ugly. But my heart shined through. My good heart was beautiful. I had confidence with who I was and tried not to let the 'ugly' or the bullies get me down. But it was during those awkward years that I found out that I had an abnormal reproductive system. That there was a kink in communication to my ovaries. So I had to deal with that. We didn't try any remedies to attempt to repair the problem. I just took medicine to get a period. Well years later, I did find that one man who made me feel complete and beautiful. He was warned by my mother that we may not have children or could lose children because of my 'issues'. He still wanted a life with me. Thank God! After some testing (now as an adult) we discovered that the 'issue' I had been dealing with since puberty was identified as hypothalamic amenorrhea. A condition that halts ovulation. Well 3 years after we were married we went to a fertility specialist and to our surprise the first cycle of treatment worked like a charm. And it was twins! I was excited. I didn't think of anything going wrong and had confidence that we'd see them to the end or at least until the projected 36 weeks. But at 19 weeks I got sick, they got sick and tragically I delivered them at 20 weeks and they died. I was changed. My confidence was shaken, my security was ripped from my body and my mind. I was broken. The next months of dealing with the grief were horrible and finally I started on an antidepressant. After 6 month I was coping and living. After a year my husband and I thought we were ready to try again. So we tried. And the cycle went perfectly. Pregnant again. But after a short 5 weeks it was over. Lost. I think I can successfully self diagnose that I was dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. I wanted to know what it felt like to be a mom. I mean, I am a mom but I want to feed and change my babies, teach them the abc song and love them up when they get a scrape. I was a mother, but a broken one. My innocence of enjoying pregnancy and all the hopes and dreams of it were ruined. The next time we tried I was excited to try but not excited for the results of the test. I was terrified. I can't do this again... And the test was positive. I had to be strong. Then we found out it was one. Then we found out it was a girl. And up until the 20 weeks gestation where I was with the twins I wasn't connecting with my baby. I wasn't ready to give my heart to a baby who I might lose tomorrow. For all I knew that could be her fate too. I had anxiety and sadness over carrying this baby longer than the twins. That THIS baby would have all the firsts. That THIS baby I would hear cry first, change her diaper first. Rock her to sleep first. All of these things kept me from loving her. Thankfully most of these feelings left once she was safely in my arms. Christmas morning, 2008. I had a moving, breathing baby in my arms. I was filled with joy and sadness all at once. As I rocked her I told her of her brothers. I told her I loved her. I told her that she was helping to heal my broken heart. My beautiful heart that would be filled with joy and laughter because of her. Filled with memories because of her. Filled with wisdom and pride because of her. And while she (and time) has healed my heart and given me the opportunity to be a mommy here on earth, my heart will never be whole. But it's a whole lot easier with her in my arms

Hello. My Name is Amanda and I Am Infertile

You can say it a million times over in different ways but as a woman living it...it doesn't get easier to believe. I am infertile. I can't have babies. I don't ovulate. I may never again have children with my own DNA.

I've wanted kids since I was a kid, I thought I could go to garage sales with my left over allowance and buy baby clothes. My plan was to buy enough baby gear that when I was older and was pregnant that I wouldn't need a baby shower. I really thought this! You can believe anything you want when you are a kid. You can dream and really believe that everything you want will come true. You can believe that you will grow up, find a man that you love and you will get married and soon after start a family. Like I've written in previous posts that I knew from the start of my cycle when I was 13 or so that there was an issue with my reproductive system. I knew that something was off but we didn't investigate much. I just started birth control to manage my hormones and got a period every month with the medicine. I now believe, as an adult, that birth control contributes to many women who have fertility issues, I'm not sure if there is truth or research to that, but that's maybe an idea for a future blog post.

In my struggle with infertility I have prayed for healing, I've prayed for a miracle over and over and I've thought I was pregnant SO many times and taken um-teen negative pregnancy tests when I know deep down inside that I couldn't possible be pregnant. But the more I pray the more that understand that the ways of God are not my own and he has plans to give me hope and a future, not to harm me. And when I focus on this fact that I am infertile, it hurts me. It is exhausting to focus on our faults and our shortcomings. It is challenging to our faith when we so often pray for God to 'show up', heal us, do a miracle in us etc. and he chooses not to answer our cries. There is nothing wrong with these prayers and I know that God answers prayers like that. For example, I have a living daughter. She bears my DNA, she calls me mom and says "I love you mama." That is a miracle. A miracle I prayed for and almost lost the second before she was born because the chord wrapped around her neck. I believe in miracles. But God doesn't always need to grant us the miracles we ask for to get our attention.

The longer I've prayed this prayer for healing the closer I've gotten to the heart of God. My purpose may have been to be a mom to Sally and Sally alone here on this earth... But more than that, my purpose is to Worship God and bring him glory. Period. And when I focus on that I AM CONTENT. Do you hear me? I AM CONTENT. Because HIS love NEVER fails, His mercies are new EVERY morning, He is always the rock and ALWAYS the same. I am never content. I am a beggar and a pleader. I want what I want because I think that is what will make me happy. I make myself discontent. But when I take the focus off of me and my circumstances and focus on him, it is no longer an issue of my insufficiencies but a light on his grace and His abundance of blessings for me.

Torn Between Heaven and Here

I felt you just now. . . as I took a breath I caught a scent of your sweet little bodies. I love you. I miss you. I wish that I could see heaven in my dreams to watch you. When the Lord does give me visions of you, I always see your silhouettes wiggling or dancing together. You still bring me joy in my sorrow, the thought of you brings a smile to my face. I wish you could be here to laugh and dance with your silly sister. She is so fun and I see both of you in her. I think that her smart, focused side is you Jonathan. And I think her naughty, push boundaries side is you Edwin. You were both so beautiful and I see you Jonathan in her big eyes when she looks at me when I'm telling a captivating story. When she laughs in pure joy I see you Eddie. I know that she is a miracle from God, I am blessed to have her. Our family photos will never be complete without you but we will be happy. For I know that I will be complete one day with you in heaven. As a mother I feel like I will honor you if I honor the Lord, because He is the one who chooses whether or not I am fit for heaven. I love my Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding of why you had such short lives because He is in control and I will trust him for my future with or without you. I love you every second of every day, because I love Jesus every second of everyday. When I am in the presence of Jesus I am in the presence of you because you sit at his feet to hear stories of Noah and Abraham and Mary... What a blessing it is to know Jesus. I am glad he's raising you and loving you and has you perfectly safe until I can hold you in my arms forever. Blessings to heaven this morning; for you and to make me feel more complete.

The scent of love

I'm sure of how I felt when I first held my little twin boys, I'm certain that those moments were filled with so much love and joy even in the midst of sorrow and death. However, what I didn't realize until a couple of weeks after their move to heaven is that I didn't realize they had a smell. What I also didn't realize was how to find that scent again. It would come and go throughout that first year and I would take it in and breathe in the memories. I would cry and whisper an 'I love you' or an 'I miss you'. And then the scent would pass and I would be searching wondering where did that come from. I want it back. I was in the hospital working one day and a patient brought in her robe from home. When she took it from the bag I got that smell again. This time it didn't just come from nowhere, it came from the robe. So I asked her what detergent she used and then I went to the store to sniff out the product. But it wasn't the same. It didn't bring back anything. So yesterday night I handwashed out a shirt of Sally's readying it for her first day of school today. Then I rinsed in some of the new fabric softener that we had purchased on Saturday. I went in the house and sat down to dinner. When I reached up to wipe my cheek... there it was... there they were... all of those feelings and some of that pain. My boys. My sweet boys. It's the fabric softner. Maybe a similar one to the brand the hospital must have used to wash the blankies that I wrapped up my precious babies. And as I held them and inhaled. All of pain and love I felt at that moment was taken in with it. And so I started to cry. A small cry and then my Sally was worried. So I excused myself to the bedroom and layed there crying as if it was yesterday. Holding my hands to my chest it was like I had them. With my eyes clenched tightly I asked my Jesus to hold my babies while I cried, I asked him to kiss them. What I know about grief after 6 years is that it still sneaks up on you. It's like my body knows things, remembers things that my head doesn't. It is October 1st today. 1 week from Eddie's birthday and Last night was 1 week from Jonathan's. They would be 6. Next week. I tend to get sad around this time every year and then I realize, it's the point in my pregancy that I knew something was wrong. But the doctor didn't. I had living babies inside of me and in one week they would be in the presence of Jesus. This year (Their 5th anniversary) has been good. I've thought of them frequently, but not always daily. I grieved less and remembered them with a soft heart and not a broken one. But today, today it feels a little broken. Because it's a blessing that our brains connect memories to scents, but it'd be an even bigger blessing if it was them here with me and not just a fabric softener.

Peace

When I was 13 I knew that something was off with my cycle. I had a couple random periods and then nothing. My mother took me to a nurse practitioner to get an exam. And the conclusion was to start me on birth control pills at almost 15 years old to regulate the periods. We never investigated further. When I met my now husband my mother said to him, 'you may have difficulty having babies someday, are you sure you're ready for that?' Which he gladly saw past. After we were married I stopped taking those birth control pills and never did regain that monthly period on my own. Now I've heard that other women have struggled with infertility after taking the pill for years and years. But I started on the pill due to oligomenorhea, which is when you once had a period and now don't. So was I already infertile? I don't know. But I wonder. Nonetheless, from my previous posts you can read that I have had my share of difficulty conceiving and holding on to some pregnancies. What I didn't tell you is how we've come from Sally (our living child) to today. We are currently in the process of moving our little family of 3 to Mexico City, Mexico. This is where I type these words.
A couple of years ago we decided to start fertility treatments again. I wasn't ready but Doug was and we were in this place of now or never because of the timeline of being in Washington D.C. for Doug's Law degree. It was a month before Thanksgiving and I just was dreading going back to a clinic. We found a large clinic that had numerous locations and a lot of Endocrinologists. It scared me. The clinic where we had our first 3 treatments and pregnancies was a small clinic, one doc, one nurse. They knew me, I knew them, they knew my treatment plan and I trusted them. We now were going into a clinic that worked like a baby making machine. It was crazy how many women were in the waiting room and how it worked like an assembly line. Sign in, sit, file into the blood work room, sit in a new room, file into your ultrasound room, grab your paper make an appointment for 2 days later. Come back and do it all again until you were ready to ovulate. It was impersonal and staged. I actually didn't like the doctors 'new' plan for me at this big clinic. I had been pregnant before and my other doc knew exactly what my regimen was. And I told the doctor what to do for me. I didn't like that. So not only was I not ready to go back but I didn't feel the connection to the staff like at my old clinic. So pregnancy #4: We did shots 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We took the ovulation shot, then waited. I'm supposed to take progesterone everyday after ovulation. With pregnancy #1 I did oral tablets, they made me dizzy. Pregnancy #2 I took vaginal suppositories, too messy. Gross. Pregnancy #3 (the only full term pregnancy) I took Intramuscular injections with a long needle, in my butt. OUCH! But, I had a healthy baby at the end of it so I wanted to repeat that. Only this time fear took over and I was scared to do them! My husband graciously helped me but I couldn't do it everyday. So... 5 days from ovulation or so I started bleeding. I took a test and it was positive. :( But I was bleeding. My HCG levels weren't increasing very quickly and I was nervous. I felt like my body wasn't ready to loose another baby and that's why I was scared to start again. Now I was scared to do the shots and I felt guilty that it was because of me that I was going to lose this baby too. So around Christmas I miscarried. I prayed and prayed for comfort and clarity. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that I am meant to have more babies, but this way? Can I really loose anymore?? So I waited. I couldn't do it again. Then about 3 months later we went in, to the same doc in the big clinic. Only when they did my preliminary blood work he said that my estrogen levels had normalized. Wow! Was God doing something amazing in me? But he said that he wanted to see why I was miscarrying. So I saw a Hematology specialist and had lab work done. It turns out I not only have Hypothalmic Amenorrhea, but I also have one of two parts positive for a clotting disorder. This Doctor was amazing she described so much to us and made me feel like there was a chance that I could have healthy pregnancies in the future. I changed my diet to a high protein focus. Started multivitamins, calcium and D3. She wanted me to do 30 min of fast walking 5 days a week. Didn't happen. But I did take the vitamins and changed my diet. Also, if I got pregnant this time I'd start on Lovenox (blood thinner) shots right away for the length of the pregnancy. Crazy. Just to tell you, I also did take Aspirin 81mg daily for the first trimester with my only successful full term baby. New research at the time had shown to reduce your risk of miscarriage if you take a baby aspirin daily, which is also a blood thinner. Blood clotting disorder, aspirin, lovenox. It all started to make a little more sense.
All this while I'm praying for God to be clear. Be forward and either let me have a baby or nothing. I couldn't do anymore losses. And boy did He listen! But God also knows that I'm stubborn and I won't just take 'no this isn't for you anymore' as a legitamate answer. This is what unfolded. I went in for try #5. I was ready. I was ok. We went in, estrogen still normal. Yay! Started the shots. And NOTHING. No folicle reactions. No growing. Nothing. I cried, grieving a possiblity that I could just be done, post menopausal or something. And we cancelled the cycle. Okay God, I'm listening. So we tried again. Try #6 we went in, estrogen still normal, took shots, one perfect little folicle growing all alone at a steady rate. Which was unusual for me, I've always had 2-4 in the lead amongst 4 others tagging behind. We ovulated. And 5 days later I took a test and it was NEGATIVE. First negative I've had ever. Ok Lord, I hear you. This wasn't a loss, it was just a negative. But I'm still sure that I'm meant for more! So we tried again right away. Try #7 we went it around Christmas. Started shots and one folicle was growing, same as last time. We got to the weekend and another doctor was on. I really didn't know him, he didn't know me. They Saw that not only was there just one almost ready folicle but there were 11 close behind! Eek. So they told me take half a dose of my medication. And I did. The next day the ultrasound showed 1 fully ready 18mm folicle, BUT 8 other folicles very close to that. 14's and 16's. There was a 40% chance that they could also ovulate. I'm tearing up as I type because I still can't believe that there were that many and so... we cancelled the cycle. No ovulation. Or I'd be the next Octomom. OR I'd potentially have 4 healthy babies and 2 that die...the options were endless. And I knew that God was there. Telling me 'No more right now' 3 different times. 3 different ways so that I would hear. And in the midst of the last 3 tries, there were no losses. No death. Just a little grief over the end of a chapter. Which in hindsight is a much easier grief than the grief of burrying twin babies, or watching the blood flow in a miscarriage and the saddness that brings of what if's and what was no more. And I had peace. Peace in the knowing that this could be it for me. I may never be pregnant again. Which 3 years ago when I had Sally I would have been SO sad because it was such an amazing experience. But now, I'm ok with it. Because now I have a new focus. The adoption of the children who are growing in my heart. The orphans that I've dreamt of since I was a child. The children that God has for me in other parts of the world. I just have to find them and this excits me. I know that there are hardships and grief that go along with adoption but I'm ready. I'm willing and I'm guided by the most Holy Father. The one who knows my heart and knows what I want and what I'm capable of. He is my refuge, not finances. He is my social worker, He is the birth mom's guardian angel to protect that child for us to raise. And He is my hope. In Him alone I can do all things, get through all things and conquer all things. I love you Lord. Thank you for your faithfulness in my infertility and thank you for the road ahead. Walk with us and may I cling to your every promise.

Sally Grace

So I'm really bad at updating this blog. But for an update. Our daughter was born on Christmas Morning 2008 at 2:39am. What a beautiful gift she is. Her birth happened as follows:
This labor and delivery was so different than the twins'. In my 3rd trimester watched a lot of home birth videos. I studied their breathing and calming techniques and their postitions. I was so confident and ready to do it all naturale this time. I had 2 false alarms the week and a half before the real thing. I was dilated to a 2 for that period of time too. Then on Christmas Eve I had a terrible back ache, I just kept hot packing it from 4pm. . . then at 9pm the contractions started close and strong. I wasn't sure if it was the real thing until I went to the bathroom at 10:00pm and there was a tiny bit of blood. I called the L/D floor and they said come in within the hour. I waited as long as I could... we went on a walk with the dog and I labored and moaned calmly with my husband holding onto me. Or me onto him mostly. There were Christmas light up on the block and no cars out. It was so quiet and cool outside. It felt good to breathe through the contrations outside. Around 11:40pm my contraction was REALLY hard and long. So we decided to go to the hospital and after packin up the car, we got there around 11:50. They took about an hour for the admission questions and then the nurses left us pretty much alone with our ipod and birthing ball. I got in the whirlpool a little after 1am. I was only a 3 at that point and after 30 minutes in the tub I got out and labored relaxed in the bed, and all of a sudden felt like I HAD to push. This was so unexpected so Doug went for the nurse and she checked me in the middle of a contraction and I was a 9!!! Problem was, even though I wanted to push they wouldn't let me because there was no doctor! So from 1:50 to 2:15am I held her in, with no drugs or epidural. This was the worst part. I was moving my legs like I was swimming and sweating perfusely trying NOT to push. It was aweful. Then in walked the doc at 2:15am and I pushed for 15 minutes or so. The heart rate decellerated from 149 to 50 at one point and they told me that her cord was wrapped around her neck and the next push HAD to be a big one so they could cut it loose. Talk about scary. I got that far, I wasn't going to loose another baby. So I pushed like a crazy woman. Then her head was out. Of course the doctor says look at your babies head...I was like are you kidding me! Get her out and I'll look at her head all you want! And then 2 more and she was out. 5 1/2 hrs and I had a beautiful baby girl. so quick. I had a small tear on the vaginal wall that was stitched up, and a cut on my labia from stretching. Doug said that It looked like I was turning inside out during the pushing. Glad I didn't see that part. Ouch. She was born at 2:39am. Phew, I had a screaming life filled baby at last. It was surreal. I was crying a tearless cry. I was so exhausted. But at that moment I really wanted 2 little boys at my side to meet her. I wished they were there. But then I was able to let that go and enjoy the life that was on my chest breathing in and out. At 4 am I got in the tub with her and gave her her first bath. It was such a precious time. The labor was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Thank you Lord!