And then came number 3

After the twins, we had a long long time of grieving. We joined a pregnancy loss support group at Children's in St. Paul. It was the best thing for me. I would recommend it to anyone going through loss. It was mostly couples but everyone was welcome and we just felt more normal there. Like 'real' parents. The twins' birthdays came around all too fast and we celebrated their lives with our support group. We continued to attend even after 1 year. I just wasn't quite ready. But we thought we were ready for try #2. So, we attended spiratically throughout the 4 week process of fertility drugs and shots. The pregnancy test was positive! I was full throttle excited but Doug held back. He knew he'd have to keep -his heart in check this time to lessen the blow if anything were to happen... I on the other hand-was ready for a change. No holds bar I told everyone in my path that we were expecting. 08-08-08 was the due date. How cool is that. Nothing could go wrong in my mind. Then, just maybe 4 days after I told everyone, I had some cramping and bleeding. Now, this never happened early on with the twins, I was so scared. "This cannot be happening again, Lord. This can't be happening." The ER put me on bedrest and then I had a follow up on Tuesday. That day my beta-HCG levels weren't as high as they'd expect. But the ultrasound that day showed 'something' in my uterus. No heart beat, just tissue. Protocol at our hospital is that if it isn't in the tubes or abdomenal cavity then they couldn't induce a miscarraige. They told me to get of bed rest and wait for the miscarraige to happen. I was so in denile that I just kept on believing that it'd be ok. One night I dreamt of a chubby light brown haired blue eyed baby. It was our baby, it was a girl and she made it. Her name was 'Miracle' and when I woke up, I decided that when she was born, she'd be Mira. Well weeks went by of u/s and light to no bleeding. By week 11, I was done. I was tired of waiting, I called out to God in surrender of my body, my baby, and my hope for this baby's life. I told him to help me and that I was ready to let go. I wept like I hadn't wept since the twins. It hurt so bad to let another one go but it wasn't growing. I had to let go. The next morning I was beginning to bleed. Finally. We had decided to name her as a her anyway: Mira Grey. I continued to hemmorage and have my Hgb checked to make sure I wasn't losing too much blood. And then she was gone. I felt so free and peaceful. I cried a few really hard times and went to the support group and let it all out there. And my time had come to step back after another session. So we left the support group that had walked with us and supported us beyond my expectations. God Bless every one of them.

Life after loss, But first the beginning.

So, I'm 22 weeks 6 days pregnant. We are having our first known girl. Today I feel content about it all, she's moving and happy. But its only 22 weeks... Yesterday I realized how content I was. That my everyday activities and responsibilities weren't difficult anymore. And then it hit me that not so long ago it was hard to even finish washing my face without sobbing or collapsing to the floor. It amazed me how far I've come in my grief and I praise the Lord that I don't have to suffer through each day but rejoice in my children and my to be new little daughter.
Not long ago in September of 2006 I was where I am now. Happy and pregnant with not one but 2 babies. I was 19 weeks at the end of september and up until then it had been a normal pregnancy. I was 19 weeks measuring 27 weeks and had some contractions. When I went into my apt, the on-call doctor lazily reassured me that it was 'practice contractions'. He didn't check my cervix or order an ultrasound. He simply measure my belly and sent me home. Another week went by and I was just as normal, but I felt nauseous again. It was if I was new pregnant again. Couldn't eat much and just wanted to rest all the time. Doug and I went on a date Friday night and were traveling home around midnight. When we got home I went to the bathroom like normal and placed my 2 water bottles by my bed and went to sleep. 12:30 I was up again to go to the bathroom. It was normal for me to go the bathroom every 3 hours during the night but I didn't ever have this constant pressure on my bladder. So, I slept lightly on/off until the last time at 7:30 when I noticed some pink sediment in the toilet. No blood but it worried me, I could feel something similar to a water balloon coming out of me. I didn't know what was happening, I layed down on the bed and had doug call 911. I was crying out to Jesus to protect me and calm me. "Lord, no, no. Take care of my babies, oh Jesus help me" Ok manda, shh, you'll be ok.

8:30 on labor and delivery. The nurses started a magnesium sulfate drip via I.V. and placed me in the trendelenberg position. The doctor on-call was the same man who had seen me the week before! With his pale, shocked face he entered the room slowly and checked my cervix, realizing that he had seen me the week before. I was dialated to 5cm at this point and with blood on his glove he said, 'there's nothing we can do for your first son but we'll try to save your second.' I couldn't believe what he was saying. I wanted to blame it all on him right then. But that wasn't entirely fair. Doug said that from then until the time the helicopter got to our hospital that that doctor was pacing the hallways.

10:30 on the helicopter. My contractions were 3 minute apart and counting. I was lying on my left side with oxygen on my face watching the sky as we took off. The sky was so bright and peaceful. It was that moment that the Lord breathed into me a wave of relaxation and peace. He said, it's going to be ok. You can get through this. I believed Him. It took 11 minutes to arrive at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. They brought me into labor and delivery and with all the faces in the room I focused on my new angel and physician. She had the most soothing face in that moment. She explained who she was and that she'd be looking at the babies. It was if time stood still as she told me what would happen next. My water broke at around 11:15, Doug wasn't there yet. It was me and the babies. The baby didn't come with the water. The doctor thought it would so she checked my cervix that had at 11:00am been 9cm , was now 3cm. So then she took an ultrasound to see where the babies were. And again, the world around me stopped and became silent as I watched my second son swim and move. . . at this point she said, 'we can't see Mr. A, he's too far in the birth canal but there's Mr. B.' I loved that. I asked her to leave it there for just a minute so I could watch my baby alive. Somehow I knew he'd come too.

From that point until 8:00 that evening I was in some serious labor. I wasn't going to let this be easy. Every part of my body held back, I wasn't ready for him to come, it wasn't supposed to happen now. I didn't have any drugs up until this point and had become exhausted from labor. They pressed the importance to start an epidural to progress the labor. I had resisted up until that point and then was able to rest when it was finally in. Phew. After 2 hours of painless rest, it was time and at 10:31pm Jonathan Lawrence was born. Bruised and as exhausted as mom he came out and lived with quiet heartbeat for 30 minutes. He held mommy's finger, turned his head to the voice of his daddy and opened his lips searching for a drink. He was a mear 13 oz. and 9.5 inches long. Big feet, long fingers. Blonde hair like daddy. And then he was gone. Family came in 2 by 2, quietly inspecting his little body, kissing him, holding him and calling him by Jack already.

After all the family joined in around my hospital bed to sing a couple of hymns and pray, we went to bed. Our goal was for the contractions to stop on their own and they would sew me shut with a circlage and send me on my way for 6 weeks on bed rest. But, my contractions continued throughout the night.

I felt "Mr. B" Search for his brother. He had never had that much room to himself before. He was awake during the labor of Jack for 10 hours but he wasn't ready to sleep. He didn't know what was happening to his home. The epidural had kind of wore off as the sun rose that Sunday morning, I called my parent to let them know that I was starting to labor again and that this baby would be born too. They began their trip down to the hospital. On the way, God gave another sign of peace. The sunrise. Dad took this picture just around the time Edwin was born.

8:01am my beautiful Edwin Frances was born breach. (That felt interesting) So tiny, so tall. 13 oz. 10 inches. Looked like mommy and had brown hair. I placed him on my chest and with a stethescope listened to his heartbeat with mine. He lived for 1 hour and 10 minutes, and then he joined his brother with the angels who gently placed them in the arms of our Father in Heaven. Where they are safe from harm, further sickness or fear.

They are the ones who were now truly alive.