Hello. My Name is Amanda and I Am Infertile

You can say it a million times over in different ways but as a woman living it...it doesn't get easier to believe. I am infertile. I can't have babies. I don't ovulate. I may never again have children with my own DNA.

I've wanted kids since I was a kid, I thought I could go to garage sales with my left over allowance and buy baby clothes. My plan was to buy enough baby gear that when I was older and was pregnant that I wouldn't need a baby shower. I really thought this! You can believe anything you want when you are a kid. You can dream and really believe that everything you want will come true. You can believe that you will grow up, find a man that you love and you will get married and soon after start a family. Like I've written in previous posts that I knew from the start of my cycle when I was 13 or so that there was an issue with my reproductive system. I knew that something was off but we didn't investigate much. I just started birth control to manage my hormones and got a period every month with the medicine. I now believe, as an adult, that birth control contributes to many women who have fertility issues, I'm not sure if there is truth or research to that, but that's maybe an idea for a future blog post.

In my struggle with infertility I have prayed for healing, I've prayed for a miracle over and over and I've thought I was pregnant SO many times and taken um-teen negative pregnancy tests when I know deep down inside that I couldn't possible be pregnant. But the more I pray the more that understand that the ways of God are not my own and he has plans to give me hope and a future, not to harm me. And when I focus on this fact that I am infertile, it hurts me. It is exhausting to focus on our faults and our shortcomings. It is challenging to our faith when we so often pray for God to 'show up', heal us, do a miracle in us etc. and he chooses not to answer our cries. There is nothing wrong with these prayers and I know that God answers prayers like that. For example, I have a living daughter. She bears my DNA, she calls me mom and says "I love you mama." That is a miracle. A miracle I prayed for and almost lost the second before she was born because the chord wrapped around her neck. I believe in miracles. But God doesn't always need to grant us the miracles we ask for to get our attention.

The longer I've prayed this prayer for healing the closer I've gotten to the heart of God. My purpose may have been to be a mom to Sally and Sally alone here on this earth... But more than that, my purpose is to Worship God and bring him glory. Period. And when I focus on that I AM CONTENT. Do you hear me? I AM CONTENT. Because HIS love NEVER fails, His mercies are new EVERY morning, He is always the rock and ALWAYS the same. I am never content. I am a beggar and a pleader. I want what I want because I think that is what will make me happy. I make myself discontent. But when I take the focus off of me and my circumstances and focus on him, it is no longer an issue of my insufficiencies but a light on his grace and His abundance of blessings for me.

Torn Between Heaven and Here

I felt you just now. . . as I took a breath I caught a scent of your sweet little bodies. I love you. I miss you. I wish that I could see heaven in my dreams to watch you. When the Lord does give me visions of you, I always see your silhouettes wiggling or dancing together. You still bring me joy in my sorrow, the thought of you brings a smile to my face. I wish you could be here to laugh and dance with your silly sister. She is so fun and I see both of you in her. I think that her smart, focused side is you Jonathan. And I think her naughty, push boundaries side is you Edwin. You were both so beautiful and I see you Jonathan in her big eyes when she looks at me when I'm telling a captivating story. When she laughs in pure joy I see you Eddie. I know that she is a miracle from God, I am blessed to have her. Our family photos will never be complete without you but we will be happy. For I know that I will be complete one day with you in heaven. As a mother I feel like I will honor you if I honor the Lord, because He is the one who chooses whether or not I am fit for heaven. I love my Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding of why you had such short lives because He is in control and I will trust him for my future with or without you. I love you every second of every day, because I love Jesus every second of everyday. When I am in the presence of Jesus I am in the presence of you because you sit at his feet to hear stories of Noah and Abraham and Mary... What a blessing it is to know Jesus. I am glad he's raising you and loving you and has you perfectly safe until I can hold you in my arms forever. Blessings to heaven this morning; for you and to make me feel more complete.