A BLOG ABOUT INFANT LOSS, MISCARRIAGE AND INFERTILITY
Monday, October 1, 2012
The scent of love
I'm sure of how I felt when I first held my little twin boys, I'm certain that those moments were filled with so much love and joy even in the midst of sorrow and death. However, what I didn't realize until a couple of weeks after their move to heaven is that I didn't realize they had a smell. What I also didn't realize was how to find that scent again. It would come and go throughout that first year and I would take it in and breathe in the memories. I would cry and whisper an 'I love you' or an 'I miss you'. And then the scent would pass and I would be searching wondering where did that come from. I want it back. I was in the hospital working one day and a patient brought in her robe from home. When she took it from the bag I got that smell again. This time it didn't just come from nowhere, it came from the robe. So I asked her what detergent she used and then I went to the store to sniff out the product. But it wasn't the same. It didn't bring back anything. So yesterday night I handwashed out a shirt of Sally's readying it for her first day of school today. Then I rinsed in some of the new fabric softener that we had purchased on Saturday. I went in the house and sat down to dinner. When I reached up to wipe my cheek... there it was... there they were... all of those feelings and some of that pain. My boys. My sweet boys. It's the fabric softner. Maybe a similar one to the brand the hospital must have used to wash the blankies that I wrapped up my precious babies. And as I held them and inhaled. All of pain and love I felt at that moment was taken in with it. And so I started to cry. A small cry and then my Sally was worried. So I excused myself to the bedroom and layed there crying as if it was yesterday. Holding my hands to my chest it was like I had them. With my eyes clenched tightly I asked my Jesus to hold my babies while I cried, I asked him to kiss them. What I know about grief after 6 years is that it still sneaks up on you. It's like my body knows things, remembers things that my head doesn't. It is October 1st today. 1 week from Eddie's birthday and Last night was 1 week from Jonathan's. They would be 6. Next week. I tend to get sad around this time every year and then I realize, it's the point in my pregancy that I knew something was wrong. But the doctor didn't. I had living babies inside of me and in one week they would be in the presence of Jesus. This year (Their 5th anniversary) has been good. I've thought of them frequently, but not always daily. I grieved less and remembered them with a soft heart and not a broken one. But today, today it feels a little broken. Because it's a blessing that our brains connect memories to scents, but it'd be an even bigger blessing if it was them here with me and not just a fabric softener.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Peace
When I was 13 I knew that something was off with my cycle. I had a couple random periods and then nothing. My mother took me to a nurse practitioner to get an exam. And the conclusion was to start me on birth control pills at almost 15 years old to regulate the periods. We never investigated further. When I met my now husband my mother said to him, 'you may have difficulty having babies someday, are you sure you're ready for that?' Which he gladly saw past. After we were married I stopped taking those birth control pills and never did regain that monthly period on my own. Now I've heard that other women have struggled with infertility after taking the pill for years and years. But I started on the pill due to oligomenorhea, which is when you once had a period and now don't. So was I already infertile? I don't know. But I wonder. Nonetheless, from my previous posts you can read that I have had my share of difficulty conceiving and holding on to some pregnancies. What I didn't tell you is how we've come from Sally (our living child) to today. We are currently in the process of moving our little family of 3 to Mexico City, Mexico. This is where I type these words.
A couple of years ago we decided to start fertility treatments again. I wasn't ready but Doug was and we were in this place of now or never because of the timeline of being in Washington D.C. for Doug's Law degree. It was a month before Thanksgiving and I just was dreading going back to a clinic. We found a large clinic that had numerous locations and a lot of Endocrinologists. It scared me. The clinic where we had our first 3 treatments and pregnancies was a small clinic, one doc, one nurse. They knew me, I knew them, they knew my treatment plan and I trusted them. We now were going into a clinic that worked like a baby making machine. It was crazy how many women were in the waiting room and how it worked like an assembly line. Sign in, sit, file into the blood work room, sit in a new room, file into your ultrasound room, grab your paper make an appointment for 2 days later. Come back and do it all again until you were ready to ovulate. It was impersonal and staged. I actually didn't like the doctors 'new' plan for me at this big clinic. I had been pregnant before and my other doc knew exactly what my regimen was. And I told the doctor what to do for me. I didn't like that. So not only was I not ready to go back but I didn't feel the connection to the staff like at my old clinic. So pregnancy #4: We did shots 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We took the ovulation shot, then waited. I'm supposed to take progesterone everyday after ovulation. With pregnancy #1 I did oral tablets, they made me dizzy. Pregnancy #2 I took vaginal suppositories, too messy. Gross. Pregnancy #3 (the only full term pregnancy) I took Intramuscular injections with a long needle, in my butt. OUCH! But, I had a healthy baby at the end of it so I wanted to repeat that. Only this time fear took over and I was scared to do them! My husband graciously helped me but I couldn't do it everyday. So... 5 days from ovulation or so I started bleeding. I took a test and it was positive. :( But I was bleeding. My HCG levels weren't increasing very quickly and I was nervous. I felt like my body wasn't ready to loose another baby and that's why I was scared to start again. Now I was scared to do the shots and I felt guilty that it was because of me that I was going to lose this baby too. So around Christmas I miscarried. I prayed and prayed for comfort and clarity. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that I am meant to have more babies, but this way? Can I really loose anymore?? So I waited. I couldn't do it again. Then about 3 months later we went in, to the same doc in the big clinic. Only when they did my preliminary blood work he said that my estrogen levels had normalized. Wow! Was God doing something amazing in me? But he said that he wanted to see why I was miscarrying. So I saw a Hematology specialist and had lab work done. It turns out I not only have Hypothalmic Amenorrhea, but I also have one of two parts positive for a clotting disorder. This Doctor was amazing she described so much to us and made me feel like there was a chance that I could have healthy pregnancies in the future. I changed my diet to a high protein focus. Started multivitamins, calcium and D3. She wanted me to do 30 min of fast walking 5 days a week. Didn't happen. But I did take the vitamins and changed my diet. Also, if I got pregnant this time I'd start on Lovenox (blood thinner) shots right away for the length of the pregnancy. Crazy. Just to tell you, I also did take Aspirin 81mg daily for the first trimester with my only successful full term baby. New research at the time had shown to reduce your risk of miscarriage if you take a baby aspirin daily, which is also a blood thinner. Blood clotting disorder, aspirin, lovenox. It all started to make a little more sense.
All this while I'm praying for God to be clear. Be forward and either let me have a baby or nothing. I couldn't do anymore losses. And boy did He listen! But God also knows that I'm stubborn and I won't just take 'no this isn't for you anymore' as a legitamate answer. This is what unfolded. I went in for try #5. I was ready. I was ok. We went in, estrogen still normal. Yay! Started the shots. And NOTHING. No folicle reactions. No growing. Nothing. I cried, grieving a possiblity that I could just be done, post menopausal or something. And we cancelled the cycle. Okay God, I'm listening. So we tried again. Try #6 we went in, estrogen still normal, took shots, one perfect little folicle growing all alone at a steady rate. Which was unusual for me, I've always had 2-4 in the lead amongst 4 others tagging behind. We ovulated. And 5 days later I took a test and it was NEGATIVE. First negative I've had ever. Ok Lord, I hear you. This wasn't a loss, it was just a negative. But I'm still sure that I'm meant for more! So we tried again right away. Try #7 we went it around Christmas. Started shots and one folicle was growing, same as last time. We got to the weekend and another doctor was on. I really didn't know him, he didn't know me. They Saw that not only was there just one almost ready folicle but there were 11 close behind! Eek. So they told me take half a dose of my medication. And I did. The next day the ultrasound showed 1 fully ready 18mm folicle, BUT 8 other folicles very close to that. 14's and 16's. There was a 40% chance that they could also ovulate. I'm tearing up as I type because I still can't believe that there were that many and so... we cancelled the cycle. No ovulation. Or I'd be the next Octomom. OR I'd potentially have 4 healthy babies and 2 that die...the options were endless. And I knew that God was there. Telling me 'No more right now' 3 different times. 3 different ways so that I would hear. And in the midst of the last 3 tries, there were no losses. No death. Just a little grief over the end of a chapter. Which in hindsight is a much easier grief than the grief of burrying twin babies, or watching the blood flow in a miscarriage and the saddness that brings of what if's and what was no more. And I had peace. Peace in the knowing that this could be it for me. I may never be pregnant again. Which 3 years ago when I had Sally I would have been SO sad because it was such an amazing experience. But now, I'm ok with it. Because now I have a new focus. The adoption of the children who are growing in my heart. The orphans that I've dreamt of since I was a child. The children that God has for me in other parts of the world. I just have to find them and this excits me. I know that there are hardships and grief that go along with adoption but I'm ready. I'm willing and I'm guided by the most Holy Father. The one who knows my heart and knows what I want and what I'm capable of. He is my refuge, not finances. He is my social worker, He is the birth mom's guardian angel to protect that child for us to raise. And He is my hope. In Him alone I can do all things, get through all things and conquer all things. I love you Lord. Thank you for your faithfulness in my infertility and thank you for the road ahead. Walk with us and may I cling to your every promise.
A couple of years ago we decided to start fertility treatments again. I wasn't ready but Doug was and we were in this place of now or never because of the timeline of being in Washington D.C. for Doug's Law degree. It was a month before Thanksgiving and I just was dreading going back to a clinic. We found a large clinic that had numerous locations and a lot of Endocrinologists. It scared me. The clinic where we had our first 3 treatments and pregnancies was a small clinic, one doc, one nurse. They knew me, I knew them, they knew my treatment plan and I trusted them. We now were going into a clinic that worked like a baby making machine. It was crazy how many women were in the waiting room and how it worked like an assembly line. Sign in, sit, file into the blood work room, sit in a new room, file into your ultrasound room, grab your paper make an appointment for 2 days later. Come back and do it all again until you were ready to ovulate. It was impersonal and staged. I actually didn't like the doctors 'new' plan for me at this big clinic. I had been pregnant before and my other doc knew exactly what my regimen was. And I told the doctor what to do for me. I didn't like that. So not only was I not ready to go back but I didn't feel the connection to the staff like at my old clinic. So pregnancy #4: We did shots 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We took the ovulation shot, then waited. I'm supposed to take progesterone everyday after ovulation. With pregnancy #1 I did oral tablets, they made me dizzy. Pregnancy #2 I took vaginal suppositories, too messy. Gross. Pregnancy #3 (the only full term pregnancy) I took Intramuscular injections with a long needle, in my butt. OUCH! But, I had a healthy baby at the end of it so I wanted to repeat that. Only this time fear took over and I was scared to do them! My husband graciously helped me but I couldn't do it everyday. So... 5 days from ovulation or so I started bleeding. I took a test and it was positive. :( But I was bleeding. My HCG levels weren't increasing very quickly and I was nervous. I felt like my body wasn't ready to loose another baby and that's why I was scared to start again. Now I was scared to do the shots and I felt guilty that it was because of me that I was going to lose this baby too. So around Christmas I miscarried. I prayed and prayed for comfort and clarity. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that I am meant to have more babies, but this way? Can I really loose anymore?? So I waited. I couldn't do it again. Then about 3 months later we went in, to the same doc in the big clinic. Only when they did my preliminary blood work he said that my estrogen levels had normalized. Wow! Was God doing something amazing in me? But he said that he wanted to see why I was miscarrying. So I saw a Hematology specialist and had lab work done. It turns out I not only have Hypothalmic Amenorrhea, but I also have one of two parts positive for a clotting disorder. This Doctor was amazing she described so much to us and made me feel like there was a chance that I could have healthy pregnancies in the future. I changed my diet to a high protein focus. Started multivitamins, calcium and D3. She wanted me to do 30 min of fast walking 5 days a week. Didn't happen. But I did take the vitamins and changed my diet. Also, if I got pregnant this time I'd start on Lovenox (blood thinner) shots right away for the length of the pregnancy. Crazy. Just to tell you, I also did take Aspirin 81mg daily for the first trimester with my only successful full term baby. New research at the time had shown to reduce your risk of miscarriage if you take a baby aspirin daily, which is also a blood thinner. Blood clotting disorder, aspirin, lovenox. It all started to make a little more sense.
All this while I'm praying for God to be clear. Be forward and either let me have a baby or nothing. I couldn't do anymore losses. And boy did He listen! But God also knows that I'm stubborn and I won't just take 'no this isn't for you anymore' as a legitamate answer. This is what unfolded. I went in for try #5. I was ready. I was ok. We went in, estrogen still normal. Yay! Started the shots. And NOTHING. No folicle reactions. No growing. Nothing. I cried, grieving a possiblity that I could just be done, post menopausal or something. And we cancelled the cycle. Okay God, I'm listening. So we tried again. Try #6 we went in, estrogen still normal, took shots, one perfect little folicle growing all alone at a steady rate. Which was unusual for me, I've always had 2-4 in the lead amongst 4 others tagging behind. We ovulated. And 5 days later I took a test and it was NEGATIVE. First negative I've had ever. Ok Lord, I hear you. This wasn't a loss, it was just a negative. But I'm still sure that I'm meant for more! So we tried again right away. Try #7 we went it around Christmas. Started shots and one folicle was growing, same as last time. We got to the weekend and another doctor was on. I really didn't know him, he didn't know me. They Saw that not only was there just one almost ready folicle but there were 11 close behind! Eek. So they told me take half a dose of my medication. And I did. The next day the ultrasound showed 1 fully ready 18mm folicle, BUT 8 other folicles very close to that. 14's and 16's. There was a 40% chance that they could also ovulate. I'm tearing up as I type because I still can't believe that there were that many and so... we cancelled the cycle. No ovulation. Or I'd be the next Octomom. OR I'd potentially have 4 healthy babies and 2 that die...the options were endless. And I knew that God was there. Telling me 'No more right now' 3 different times. 3 different ways so that I would hear. And in the midst of the last 3 tries, there were no losses. No death. Just a little grief over the end of a chapter. Which in hindsight is a much easier grief than the grief of burrying twin babies, or watching the blood flow in a miscarriage and the saddness that brings of what if's and what was no more. And I had peace. Peace in the knowing that this could be it for me. I may never be pregnant again. Which 3 years ago when I had Sally I would have been SO sad because it was such an amazing experience. But now, I'm ok with it. Because now I have a new focus. The adoption of the children who are growing in my heart. The orphans that I've dreamt of since I was a child. The children that God has for me in other parts of the world. I just have to find them and this excits me. I know that there are hardships and grief that go along with adoption but I'm ready. I'm willing and I'm guided by the most Holy Father. The one who knows my heart and knows what I want and what I'm capable of. He is my refuge, not finances. He is my social worker, He is the birth mom's guardian angel to protect that child for us to raise. And He is my hope. In Him alone I can do all things, get through all things and conquer all things. I love you Lord. Thank you for your faithfulness in my infertility and thank you for the road ahead. Walk with us and may I cling to your every promise.
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