And then came number 3

After the twins, we had a long long time of grieving. We joined a pregnancy loss support group at Children's in St. Paul. It was the best thing for me. I would recommend it to anyone going through loss. It was mostly couples but everyone was welcome and we just felt more normal there. Like 'real' parents. The twins' birthdays came around all too fast and we celebrated their lives with our support group. We continued to attend even after 1 year. I just wasn't quite ready. But we thought we were ready for try #2. So, we attended spiratically throughout the 4 week process of fertility drugs and shots. The pregnancy test was positive! I was full throttle excited but Doug held back. He knew he'd have to keep -his heart in check this time to lessen the blow if anything were to happen... I on the other hand-was ready for a change. No holds bar I told everyone in my path that we were expecting. 08-08-08 was the due date. How cool is that. Nothing could go wrong in my mind. Then, just maybe 4 days after I told everyone, I had some cramping and bleeding. Now, this never happened early on with the twins, I was so scared. "This cannot be happening again, Lord. This can't be happening." The ER put me on bedrest and then I had a follow up on Tuesday. That day my beta-HCG levels weren't as high as they'd expect. But the ultrasound that day showed 'something' in my uterus. No heart beat, just tissue. Protocol at our hospital is that if it isn't in the tubes or abdomenal cavity then they couldn't induce a miscarraige. They told me to get of bed rest and wait for the miscarraige to happen. I was so in denile that I just kept on believing that it'd be ok. One night I dreamt of a chubby light brown haired blue eyed baby. It was our baby, it was a girl and she made it. Her name was 'Miracle' and when I woke up, I decided that when she was born, she'd be Mira. Well weeks went by of u/s and light to no bleeding. By week 11, I was done. I was tired of waiting, I called out to God in surrender of my body, my baby, and my hope for this baby's life. I told him to help me and that I was ready to let go. I wept like I hadn't wept since the twins. It hurt so bad to let another one go but it wasn't growing. I had to let go. The next morning I was beginning to bleed. Finally. We had decided to name her as a her anyway: Mira Grey. I continued to hemmorage and have my Hgb checked to make sure I wasn't losing too much blood. And then she was gone. I felt so free and peaceful. I cried a few really hard times and went to the support group and let it all out there. And my time had come to step back after another session. So we left the support group that had walked with us and supported us beyond my expectations. God Bless every one of them.