So, I'm 22 weeks 6 days pregnant. We are having our first known girl. Today I feel content about it all, she's moving and happy. But its only 22 weeks... Yesterday I realized how content I was. That my everyday activities and responsibilities weren't difficult anymore. And then it hit me that not so long ago it was hard to even finish washing my face without sobbing or collapsing to the floor. It amazed me how far I've come in my grief and I praise the Lord that I don't have to suffer through each day but rejoice in my children and my to be new little daughter.
Not long ago in September of 2006 I was where I am now. Happy and pregnant with not one but 2 babies. I was 19 weeks at the end of september and up until then it had been a normal pregnancy. I was 19 weeks measuring 27 weeks and had some contractions. When I went into my apt, the on-call doctor lazily reassured me that it was 'practice contractions'. He didn't check my cervix or order an ultrasound. He simply measure my belly and sent me home. Another week went by and I was just as normal, but I felt nauseous again. It was if I was new pregnant again. Couldn't eat much and just wanted to rest all the time. Doug and I went on a date Friday night and were traveling home around midnight. When we got home I went to the bathroom like normal and placed my 2 water bottles by my bed and went to sleep. 12:30 I was up again to go to the bathroom. It was normal for me to go the bathroom every 3 hours during the night but I didn't ever have this constant pressure on my bladder. So, I slept lightly on/off until the last time at 7:30 when I noticed some pink sediment in the toilet. No blood but it worried me, I could feel something similar to a water balloon coming out of me. I didn't know what was happening, I layed down on the bed and had doug call 911. I was crying out to Jesus to protect me and calm me. "Lord, no, no. Take care of my babies, oh Jesus help me" Ok manda, shh, you'll be ok.
8:30 on labor and delivery. The nurses started a magnesium sulfate drip via I.V. and placed me in the trendelenberg position. The doctor on-call was the same man who had seen me the week before! With his pale, shocked face he entered the room slowly and checked my cervix, realizing that he had seen me the week before. I was dialated to 5cm at this point and with blood on his glove he said, 'there's nothing we can do for your first son but we'll try to save your second.' I couldn't believe what he was saying. I wanted to blame it all on him right then. But that wasn't entirely fair. Doug said that from then until the time the helicopter got to our hospital that that doctor was pacing the hallways.
10:30 on the helicopter. My contractions were 3 minute apart and counting. I was lying on my left side with oxygen on my face watching the sky as we took off. The sky was so bright and peaceful. It was that moment that the Lord breathed into me a wave of relaxation and peace. He said, it's going to be ok. You can get through this. I believed Him. It took 11 minutes to arrive at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. They brought me into labor and delivery and with all the faces in the room I focused on my new angel and physician. She had the most soothing face in that moment. She explained who she was and that she'd be looking at the babies. It was if time stood still as she told me what would happen next. My water broke at around 11:15, Doug wasn't there yet. It was me and the babies. The baby didn't come with the water. The doctor thought it would so she checked my cervix that had at 11:00am been 9cm , was now 3cm. So then she took an ultrasound to see where the babies were. And again, the world around me stopped and became silent as I watched my second son swim and move. . . at this point she said, 'we can't see Mr. A, he's too far in the birth canal but there's Mr. B.' I loved that. I asked her to leave it there for just a minute so I could watch my baby alive. Somehow I knew he'd come too.
From that point until 8:00 that evening I was in some serious labor. I wasn't going to let this be easy. Every part of my body held back, I wasn't ready for him to come, it wasn't supposed to happen now. I didn't have any drugs up until this point and had become exhausted from labor. They pressed the importance to start an epidural to progress the labor. I had resisted up until that point and then was able to rest when it was finally in. Phew. After 2 hours of painless rest, it was time and at 10:31pm Jonathan Lawrence was born. Bruised and as exhausted as mom he came out and lived with quiet heartbeat for 30 minutes. He held mommy's finger, turned his head to the voice of his daddy and opened his lips searching for a drink. He was a mear 13 oz. and 9.5 inches long. Big feet, long fingers. Blonde hair like daddy. And then he was gone. Family came in 2 by 2, quietly inspecting his little body, kissing him, holding him and calling him by Jack already.
After all the family joined in around my hospital bed to sing a couple of hymns and pray, we went to bed. Our goal was for the contractions to stop on their own and they would sew me shut with a circlage and send me on my way for 6 weeks on bed rest. But, my contractions continued throughout the night.
I felt "Mr. B" Search for his brother. He had never had that much room to himself before. He was awake during the labor of Jack for 10 hours but he wasn't ready to sleep. He didn't know what was happening to his home. The epidural had kind of wore off as the sun rose that Sunday morning, I called my parent to let them know that I was starting to labor again and that this baby would be born too. They began their trip down to the hospital. On the way, God gave another sign of peace. The sunrise. Dad took this picture just around the time Edwin was born.
8:01am my beautiful Edwin Frances was born breach. (That felt interesting) So tiny, so tall. 13 oz. 10 inches. Looked like mommy and had brown hair. I placed him on my chest and with a stethescope listened to his heartbeat with mine. He lived for 1 hour and 10 minutes, and then he joined his brother with the angels who gently placed them in the arms of our Father in Heaven. Where they are safe from harm, further sickness or fear.
Not long ago in September of 2006 I was where I am now. Happy and pregnant with not one but 2 babies. I was 19 weeks at the end of september and up until then it had been a normal pregnancy. I was 19 weeks measuring 27 weeks and had some contractions. When I went into my apt, the on-call doctor lazily reassured me that it was 'practice contractions'. He didn't check my cervix or order an ultrasound. He simply measure my belly and sent me home. Another week went by and I was just as normal, but I felt nauseous again. It was if I was new pregnant again. Couldn't eat much and just wanted to rest all the time. Doug and I went on a date Friday night and were traveling home around midnight. When we got home I went to the bathroom like normal and placed my 2 water bottles by my bed and went to sleep. 12:30 I was up again to go to the bathroom. It was normal for me to go the bathroom every 3 hours during the night but I didn't ever have this constant pressure on my bladder. So, I slept lightly on/off until the last time at 7:30 when I noticed some pink sediment in the toilet. No blood but it worried me, I could feel something similar to a water balloon coming out of me. I didn't know what was happening, I layed down on the bed and had doug call 911. I was crying out to Jesus to protect me and calm me. "Lord, no, no. Take care of my babies, oh Jesus help me" Ok manda, shh, you'll be ok.
8:30 on labor and delivery. The nurses started a magnesium sulfate drip via I.V. and placed me in the trendelenberg position. The doctor on-call was the same man who had seen me the week before! With his pale, shocked face he entered the room slowly and checked my cervix, realizing that he had seen me the week before. I was dialated to 5cm at this point and with blood on his glove he said, 'there's nothing we can do for your first son but we'll try to save your second.' I couldn't believe what he was saying. I wanted to blame it all on him right then. But that wasn't entirely fair. Doug said that from then until the time the helicopter got to our hospital that that doctor was pacing the hallways.
10:30 on the helicopter. My contractions were 3 minute apart and counting. I was lying on my left side with oxygen on my face watching the sky as we took off. The sky was so bright and peaceful. It was that moment that the Lord breathed into me a wave of relaxation and peace. He said, it's going to be ok. You can get through this. I believed Him. It took 11 minutes to arrive at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. They brought me into labor and delivery and with all the faces in the room I focused on my new angel and physician. She had the most soothing face in that moment. She explained who she was and that she'd be looking at the babies. It was if time stood still as she told me what would happen next. My water broke at around 11:15, Doug wasn't there yet. It was me and the babies. The baby didn't come with the water. The doctor thought it would so she checked my cervix that had at 11:00am been 9cm , was now 3cm. So then she took an ultrasound to see where the babies were. And again, the world around me stopped and became silent as I watched my second son swim and move. . . at this point she said, 'we can't see Mr. A, he's too far in the birth canal but there's Mr. B.' I loved that. I asked her to leave it there for just a minute so I could watch my baby alive. Somehow I knew he'd come too.
From that point until 8:00 that evening I was in some serious labor. I wasn't going to let this be easy. Every part of my body held back, I wasn't ready for him to come, it wasn't supposed to happen now. I didn't have any drugs up until this point and had become exhausted from labor. They pressed the importance to start an epidural to progress the labor. I had resisted up until that point and then was able to rest when it was finally in. Phew. After 2 hours of painless rest, it was time and at 10:31pm Jonathan Lawrence was born. Bruised and as exhausted as mom he came out and lived with quiet heartbeat for 30 minutes. He held mommy's finger, turned his head to the voice of his daddy and opened his lips searching for a drink. He was a mear 13 oz. and 9.5 inches long. Big feet, long fingers. Blonde hair like daddy. And then he was gone. Family came in 2 by 2, quietly inspecting his little body, kissing him, holding him and calling him by Jack already.
After all the family joined in around my hospital bed to sing a couple of hymns and pray, we went to bed. Our goal was for the contractions to stop on their own and they would sew me shut with a circlage and send me on my way for 6 weeks on bed rest. But, my contractions continued throughout the night.
I felt "Mr. B" Search for his brother. He had never had that much room to himself before. He was awake during the labor of Jack for 10 hours but he wasn't ready to sleep. He didn't know what was happening to his home. The epidural had kind of wore off as the sun rose that Sunday morning, I called my parent to let them know that I was starting to labor again and that this baby would be born too. They began their trip down to the hospital. On the way, God gave another sign of peace. The sunrise. Dad took this picture just around the time Edwin was born.
8:01am my beautiful Edwin Frances was born breach. (That felt interesting) So tiny, so tall. 13 oz. 10 inches. Looked like mommy and had brown hair. I placed him on my chest and with a stethescope listened to his heartbeat with mine. He lived for 1 hour and 10 minutes, and then he joined his brother with the angels who gently placed them in the arms of our Father in Heaven. Where they are safe from harm, further sickness or fear.
They are the ones who were now truly alive.
5 comments:
oh Amanda, I am bawling as I read this. I remember so clearly where I was when RAchel called me to tell me....I stopped dead in my tracks and didn't know how to press on. Its like I needed to stand still in honor of your little boys.
I have never heard the story from you. you wrote it beautifully. I pray for you and your baby girl regularly! =) You are already an aamzing mom.
I agree with Miss, I remember that day so clearly. I was at a wedding and just waiting and waiting to hear some kind of news.
My heart ached for you for so so long.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Nice story, Mommy 'Manda. You have come along way in the cycle of grief. Thank you for sharing this perspective from a loving Mom who loves our Lord:)
Amanda, I've heard the story before, but again I'm weeping my make-up off.
I've too been praying for your little love. I can't wait to see her.
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