The scent of love

I'm sure of how I felt when I first held my little twin boys, I'm certain that those moments were filled with so much love and joy even in the midst of sorrow and death. However, what I didn't realize until a couple of weeks after their move to heaven is that I didn't realize they had a smell. What I also didn't realize was how to find that scent again. It would come and go throughout that first year and I would take it in and breathe in the memories. I would cry and whisper an 'I love you' or an 'I miss you'. And then the scent would pass and I would be searching wondering where did that come from. I want it back. I was in the hospital working one day and a patient brought in her robe from home. When she took it from the bag I got that smell again. This time it didn't just come from nowhere, it came from the robe. So I asked her what detergent she used and then I went to the store to sniff out the product. But it wasn't the same. It didn't bring back anything. So yesterday night I handwashed out a shirt of Sally's readying it for her first day of school today. Then I rinsed in some of the new fabric softener that we had purchased on Saturday. I went in the house and sat down to dinner. When I reached up to wipe my cheek... there it was... there they were... all of those feelings and some of that pain. My boys. My sweet boys. It's the fabric softner. Maybe a similar one to the brand the hospital must have used to wash the blankies that I wrapped up my precious babies. And as I held them and inhaled. All of pain and love I felt at that moment was taken in with it. And so I started to cry. A small cry and then my Sally was worried. So I excused myself to the bedroom and layed there crying as if it was yesterday. Holding my hands to my chest it was like I had them. With my eyes clenched tightly I asked my Jesus to hold my babies while I cried, I asked him to kiss them. What I know about grief after 6 years is that it still sneaks up on you. It's like my body knows things, remembers things that my head doesn't. It is October 1st today. 1 week from Eddie's birthday and Last night was 1 week from Jonathan's. They would be 6. Next week. I tend to get sad around this time every year and then I realize, it's the point in my pregancy that I knew something was wrong. But the doctor didn't. I had living babies inside of me and in one week they would be in the presence of Jesus. This year (Their 5th anniversary) has been good. I've thought of them frequently, but not always daily. I grieved less and remembered them with a soft heart and not a broken one. But today, today it feels a little broken. Because it's a blessing that our brains connect memories to scents, but it'd be an even bigger blessing if it was them here with me and not just a fabric softener.