10/07/14:
This day 8 years ago was the hardest day of my life. My baby boy was born at 20.5 weeks after 22 hours in labor. I got to fly in a helicopter and see the beautiful sun rise that day. It was beautiful. Until the next painful and equally terrifying contraction came. I labored for 20 hours without medication. The doctors just told me to let it happen. But I couldn't. I didn't want it to happen. I wanted him to stay safe inside... At the end of that horrible labor out came a tiny little reflection of my husband. A precious boy who turned his head with the last of his strength just to turn toward the voice of his daddy. He held my finger and listened to my heart beat as he drifted off to his eternal sleep. But even in that horrible sorrow I was FULL of joy and pride for my first born son. Those of you in the hospital with us remember how I wanted to show him off. My eyes were alive, there weren't tears (for a short period of time) there was just a LOVE I had never felt. Like one that took your breath away and made you breathe all at the same time. He made me a mommy. And while it doesn't hurt everyday. It hurts today. I'm glad I got to love him. Hold him. See him for the blond perfection that he was. Bruised and battered couldn't keep his beauty from me. I love you my precious Jonathan Lawrence. Happy Birthday
10/08/14:
Today 8 years ago you came into my life. Unlike the day before, your birth was a beautiful, peaceful calming experience. Even though I knew you would die I was excited to meet my other baby boy. You didn't like being in the womb after Jonathan left you. You moved around like you were frantically looking for him. Your labor was fast. I knew you were coming so I called my mom and dad to come back to the hospital. Then the sunrise came, beautiful and colorful and shortly after you did too, feet first into the world. I was filled with peace. I loved you so much in that moment. Daddy cut your cord and me and grandma Keillor gave you a sponge bath. How can something so tiny, without the use of his lungs live for over and hour. I don't know, but you did. Your resemblance of mommy just about stopped my heart. Your brown hair and long face kept me staring. I listen to your heart slowly beating in step with mine. It is an hour of my life I will never forget. It was when peace and tragedy actually felt tolerable and you were mine. You'll be mine forever. Today may your golden birthday be as golden as the sunrise the morning of your birth. I love you Edwin. Shine strong little one.
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