Hello. My Name is Amanda and I Am Infertile

You can say it a million times over in different ways but as a woman living it...it doesn't get easier to believe. I am infertile. I can't have babies. I don't ovulate. I may never again have children with my own DNA.

I've wanted kids since I was a kid, I thought I could go to garage sales with my left over allowance and buy baby clothes. My plan was to buy enough baby gear that when I was older and was pregnant that I wouldn't need a baby shower. I really thought this! You can believe anything you want when you are a kid. You can dream and really believe that everything you want will come true. You can believe that you will grow up, find a man that you love and you will get married and soon after start a family. Like I've written in previous posts that I knew from the start of my cycle when I was 13 or so that there was an issue with my reproductive system. I knew that something was off but we didn't investigate much. I just started birth control to manage my hormones and got a period every month with the medicine. I now believe, as an adult, that birth control contributes to many women who have fertility issues, I'm not sure if there is truth or research to that, but that's maybe an idea for a future blog post.

In my struggle with infertility I have prayed for healing, I've prayed for a miracle over and over and I've thought I was pregnant SO many times and taken um-teen negative pregnancy tests when I know deep down inside that I couldn't possible be pregnant. But the more I pray the more that understand that the ways of God are not my own and he has plans to give me hope and a future, not to harm me. And when I focus on this fact that I am infertile, it hurts me. It is exhausting to focus on our faults and our shortcomings. It is challenging to our faith when we so often pray for God to 'show up', heal us, do a miracle in us etc. and he chooses not to answer our cries. There is nothing wrong with these prayers and I know that God answers prayers like that. For example, I have a living daughter. She bears my DNA, she calls me mom and says "I love you mama." That is a miracle. A miracle I prayed for and almost lost the second before she was born because the chord wrapped around her neck. I believe in miracles. But God doesn't always need to grant us the miracles we ask for to get our attention.

The longer I've prayed this prayer for healing the closer I've gotten to the heart of God. My purpose may have been to be a mom to Sally and Sally alone here on this earth... But more than that, my purpose is to Worship God and bring him glory. Period. And when I focus on that I AM CONTENT. Do you hear me? I AM CONTENT. Because HIS love NEVER fails, His mercies are new EVERY morning, He is always the rock and ALWAYS the same. I am never content. I am a beggar and a pleader. I want what I want because I think that is what will make me happy. I make myself discontent. But when I take the focus off of me and my circumstances and focus on him, it is no longer an issue of my insufficiencies but a light on his grace and His abundance of blessings for me.